


Conversion Therapy

by AceOnIce



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec Lightwood has Nightmares, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Biphobia, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Valentine Morgenstern Being an Asshole, Vomiting, conversion therapy, rated M for heavy subject matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23209858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce
Summary: Conversion therapy is illegal in New York, but exists in other states. Alec deals with the devastating reality of an inhumane practice while Magnus attempts to help him learn to love himself.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 18
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and his roommate get off on the wrong foot, but there may be more to him than Magnus expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE TAGS. This story obviously contains mentions of conversion therapy. It's not graphic, but the inhumane methods used in this type of 'therapy' are mentioned. See the end notes for specific details.
> 
> Links in the story are to real websites about conversion therapy in the US. It's appalling.
> 
> This isn't a happy story, but it does have a happy ending and an important message.

Magnus has just finished making his bed, pulling bright gold silk over the twin-sized mattress, when the door opens and the prettiest man Magnus has ever seen walks in. He's taller than Magnus, has a head of messy dark hair and bright blue eyes. The leather jacket he's wearing accentuates his strong shoulders and buff arms. Magnus is instantly smitten. The moment the guy notices Magnus, he knows the feelings are mutual. The guy isn't subtle with his staring, the way his beautiful eyes roam over Magnus' body.

Magnus flashes him a grin and holds out a ringed hand. "Magnus Bane, and you are?"

The man glances at the bi pride flag above Magnus' bed. "What's that?"

Magnus raises his eyebrows, suddenly wary. He plays dumb, hopes for the best. "The wall?"

"The flag."

"It's a pride flag, is that an issue?"

Magnus lowers his hand. The guy clearly has an issue with his flag. He's glaring at it like he wants to burn it. But he was also clearly checking out Magnus which seems like mixed signals. Either the guy is majorly biphobic or he's so deep in the closet he's found Narnia.

The guy spins around, confirming Magnus' suspicions. "I can't live here."

"Alec!" A young girl with the same dark hair and features is left standing in the doorway as Alec disappears. She offers the stunned Magnus an apologetic smile as she sets the box in her arms onto the empty bed on the other side of the room. Alec had dropped his own two boxes in the doorway before storming off. "I promise he's not usually that rude."

"If he wants to change rooms, I certainly am not about to stop him," Magnus responds, crouching to open a box filled with carefully folded clothing. 

The girl sits at the desk on the far side of the room. "I'm Isabelle. And I know that was a horrible first impression, but it's really not about you."

Magnus settles onto his bed, arranging the box next to him so he can work while he talks to his hopefully-not-anymore roommate's sister. "I appreciate your attempts to defend your brother, but he made his feelings very clear."

"Our parents are really religious and Alec's the oldest so they've always been hardest on him. They almost didn't let him come here for college. Lots of sin in the big city, right?"

Magnus quirks a smile. He thinks Isabelle would make a much better roommate. "In my experience, yes."

"Yeah." She's grinning back at him. "So just... give Alec a chance? He's been through a lot this year and it's not really my place to talk about it, but I promise he's a good guy."

"If he's still my roommate when he returns," Magnus hedges, "I promise to be civil."

"I guess that's the best I can hope for."

"Did your parents come with you? To help move him in?"

Isabelle looks down at a bracelet on her wrist. She twists it in the way Magnus fiddles with his rings when he's uncomfortable. "They're too busy. Where's your family?"

"I only have my father and he is also too busy to be here."

Alec storms back into the room, face furious. Magnus focuses on unpacking, hoping to give the siblings some semblance of privacy. He doesn't really care about Alec, but Isabelle has won him over. She seems sincere.

"They won't let me change rooms."

"Of course not, it's move in day Alec."

"I can't do this Izzy, I can't live here, with him."

Alec's voice is lowered, but it's a small room and Magnus hears him easily. He grits his teeth, halfway through sliding a shiny shirt onto a hanger. He wants to keep his promise to Isabelle, but Alec is already making that difficult. Perhaps if he can avoid him as much as possible, he'll manage to keep their exchanges civil.

"Alec, you're going to be fine. You came here to get away from Mom and Dad so try to get away from their way of thinking too, yeah? There's nothing wrong with you."

That makes Magnus startle, nearly dropping the pair of black leather shorts he'd picked up. It makes him think he was right about Alec being gay except Isabelle seems to be aware of it.

"Izzy," Alec's tone is a warning. Even Magnus, who barely knows the guy, can tell. 

"They're wrong Alec."

"Isabelle."

"They had no right-"

"Leave it alone." His voice leaves no room for discussion, sharp and commanding.

"Fine!" There's a few moments of silence. Magnus continues to put away his clothes, resisting the urge to peek at the siblings. "Let's unpack your stuff."

Magnus begins preparing himself for a long first year of college with a roommate he's sure he's going to despise.

It only takes Magnus a week to decide that Alexander Lightwood (his full name is now displayed on the door beside Magnus') is odd.

His side of the room contains the bare minimum of decoration. His bed is covered in navy blue bedding, always perfectly made, and his walls remain empty. The only sign of personality is a framed family photo on his desk. He never leaves anything on the floor or on his desk when he's done studying, but he never complains about Magnus' mess either. Probably because that would require actually talking to Magnus and he tends to avoid Magnus like the plague.

When they are both in the room, however, Magnus has caught Alec staring at him on multiple occasions. He never says anything and always looks away the minute Magnus notices. It's almost always followed by his fleeing the room.

Once, when Magnus is preparing to go to a party across campus, he catches Alec staring yet again. He's dressed in a fishnet stockings and tiny black shorts with a shirt that's unbuttoned almost to his bellybutton, chest covered in necklaces. His hair is done up and his makeup is perfect. He can't blame a guy for looking, but at this point he's so fed up with it all that he finally calls him out on it. "Do you need something?"

Alec acts like he's been electrocuted, practically jumping where he's sitting on his bed. "What?"

"You're staring so I assume either there's something wrong with my outfit, which seems unlikely, or you needed something?"

"No. Your- it's fine. Your outfit is fine. I don't..." Alec is blushing to the tops of his ears. He looks so caught off guard that Magnus _almost_ feels bad. "I'm sorry."

Before Magnus can tell him he really doesn't mind, Alec is jumping off his bed and locking himself in their shared bathroom. It's another strange encounter Magnus can add to the ever-growing list.

And then there's the nightmares. 

The first time it happens, Magnus wakes up to little grunts and assumes his roommate is finally getting over himself and enjoying some not-quite-alone time. However, when he flips his lamp on, intending to catch Alec in the act and lecture him about boundaries, he sees Alec's face is lined with sweat and tears. His hands are clutching his blanket and his eyes are firmly closed. He lets out a little sob that breaks Magnus' heart even though he pretty much hates the guy. 

Magnus swings his legs over the edge of his bed. Before he can even stand, Alec gasps in a breath, eyes flying open. He looks dazed, like he's trying to figure out where he is. Magnus clears his throat. He speaks and hopes his voice shows his sincere concern. "Are you alright?"

"'M fine." His voice is gruff with sleep and he's attempting to scrub the tears from his face with the palms of his hands. 

"Bad dream?"

"Doesn't matter." Alec stands, sweat soaking through his nightclothes, and grabs new clothing from his closet. He heads for the bathroom and Magnus lifts his legs back onto his bed. He hears the water start running and tries to go back to sleep. Clearly Alec is not feeling talkative.

Every conversation, if their short exchanges can even be considered conversations, with Alec leaves Magnus feeling off-kilter. Every action, every word Alec utters is the opposite of what he expects. He's never met anyone as confusing as Alec and he's frustrated by how intrigued he is.

The pills provide the first bit of clarity. 

The first time Magnus sees them is a disturbing experience. It starts off like any other night, he's reclining on his bed, reading one of his favorite novels when he feels someone watching him. He glances over and finds Alec, seated at his desk, staring. Again. Bright blue eyes that never fail to make Magnus weak at the knees even if he's unsure about the man's personality. When Alec looks away, his cheeks are flushed a pretty shade of pink.

Magnus watches him pull out an orange bottle and swallow a couple pills before returning to his homework. Magnus goes back to his book, thinking that was the end of it. Only to have his attention torn away less than ten minutes later by Alec jumping out of his seat and sprinting for the bathroom. The fan turns on, but Magnus can hear the very obvious sounds of vomiting. 

Propelled by curiosity, Magnus leaves his book on his bed and goes to the bathroom door. He raps his fingers against the wood. "Alexander? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, go away."

But he's clearly still sick. The sounds alone are making Magnus' stomach wrench. "Can I get you some Pepto Bismo or a Ginger Ale or something?"

"I'm fine!"

He sounds almost angry. Magnus touches the doorknob, wanting to go in, to confront him. Instead, he turns and leaves Alec alone. He's halfway across the room when his eyes fall on Alec's medicine bottle, still on the desk. 

He shouldn't touch it. He shouldn't pry. It's a clear violation of his promise to be civil and it's morally wrong. But, glancing at the bathroom door, Magnus finds he can't curb his impulse. He tip-toes to the desk, even though he's fairly certain Alec wouldn't hear him or be concerned if he stomped, and picks up the medicine. 

The recommended dosage scrawls, 'Take 1 as needed to induce nausea or 2 to induce vomiting'. 

Magnus feels a bit sick upon reading that. He turns the bottle to see what kind of doctor would prescribe pills for throwing up and types the name of the doctor into his google search bar. He sets the medication back on the desk, retreating to his bed where he puts his book on his lap, in case Alec starts feeling better, and googles Dr. Valentine Morgenstern. 

The first result has skin crawling.

'Dr. Valentine Morgenstern offers specialized re-integrative therapy for sexually confused minors in the central [Pennsylvania](https://www.lgbtmap.org/equality-maps/conversion_therapy) location'.

Re-integrative therapy.

Better known as conversion therapy.

Magnus clicks the link and scans the page before he has to close it. Because Dr. Morgenstern's methods include "nausea and vomiting used to try to change sexual orientation and gender identity include inducing nausea, vomiting, or paralysis while showing the patient homoerotic images; providing electric shocks; having the individual snap an elastic band around the wrist when aroused by same-sex erotic images or thoughts; using shame to create aversion to same-sex attractions; orgasmic reconditioning; and satiation [therapy](http://www.nclrights.org/bornperfect-the-facts-about-conversion-therapy/)".

Magnus sets his phone down gently. He hadn't known these kind of antiquated practices were still legal, let alone actually used. And Alec had been subject to them. He was still subjecting himself to inhumane treatment because he'd been forced into it. It was disgusting. Magnus forces down the urge to punch something and, instead, puts his energy into something more positive. He changes into workout clothing, knowing he needs to hit the gym to get the emotions out.

As he's pulling on his shoes, Alec finally emerges from the bathroom, face pale. As always, he keeps his head down as he retreats to his desk. This time, Magnus can't help but stare. He watches Alec tuck the medication back into the top drawer of his desk and resume his studying as if nothing had happened. 

"Feeling any better?"

Alec jumps, like he'd forgotten he wasn't alone. He doesn't turn to face Magnus. "I feel fine."

Magnus hesitates. He eyes the elastic band around Alec's wrist. He'd noticed it before. He'd seen Alec flick it before, but he'd considered it some kind of harmless stimming method. Now it makes his stomach twist. He doesn't stop to consider his next words. "There's nothing wrong with you."

Alec's entire body tenses, but he doesn't turn around. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't have to punish yourself for being human."

Alec stands, whirling around to face him. His eyes are narrowed. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I saw the pills Alexander." Alec glances at the door, like he's considering making a run for it. Except Magnus is in the way, stationed between him and the only escape. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of. The things you've been through are horrendous-"

"Stop it."

"There's nothing wrong with-"

"Don't."

"having feelings for people of the same sex."

Alec shakes his head, his voice suddenly soft, "You're confusing me."

"Maybe that's a good thing. Haven't you ever stopped to question your parents' beliefs?" 

Alec doesn't respond. He sits on the edge of his bed and puts his face in his hands. He looks so small and broken that it makes Magnus' heart hurt. His righteous anger fades into compassion and regret. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to push."

"It's none of your business," Alec says through his hands.

"I apologize. I only wanted to help, but clearly I've only done the opposite. Please, just, think about what I've said."

Alec doesn't give any sign of agreeing. Magnus swallows more words, knowing they would only make things worse, and goes to the gym. He doesn't know what else to do.

When Magnus gets back, Alec is gone. He's not surprised, but he spends the rest of the night hoping his roommate will return so they can have a calmer talk. He spends most of the time reading about modern conversion therapy. The more he reads the more upset he becomes until, finally, he has to put his phone away and study just to keep his emotions in check. 

At some point he dozes off, history textbook still open on his lap. When he's wakes, at first he thinks it's because Alec has finally come back. It's still dark outside and he can hear movement in the room, but when he flips on his lamp, he finds Alec is asleep. He's sleeping restlessly again, twisting and turning and making sad little noises that pull at Magnus' heart. 

Before he can fully consider what he's doing, Magnus crosses the room and shakes Alec awake. 

"Wha-" Alec shoots up, eyes flicking around the room. They settle on Magnus. "What are you doing?"

"You were having a nightmare," Magnus says, leaning back on his heels, still crouching near the bed.

He watches Alec swallow, slowly adjusting to being awake. "Thanks."

"Of course." 

Alec meets his eyes for a moment and Magnus feels paralyzed under the depth of emotion he sees there. Then Alec is shaking his head and flicking the band around his wrist against his skin, hard enough to leave thin red lines. Magnus reaches out to grab Alec's hand before he can pull the band back again. "Stop, please."

Alec freezes. Whether it's because of his touch or his words, Magnus isn't sure. Alec stumbles over his words, "I can't- you shouldn't... I have to..."

"What if you didn't?"

"What?"

"Have you ever considered _not_ listening to your parents, to your... therapist?" The word feels wrong. Therapists are supposed to help. Dr. Morgenstern seems to have done anything but. "You must know there's a giant _happy_ LGBT population in New York City. Don't you think you could be part of that?"

"I'm not..." Alec sucks in a breath like he's dying. "I'm not gay."

Magnus bites his lip, watches Alec's eyes track the movement, feels Alec's hand under his, tensing habitually, preparing to flick the band against his wrist. "It's okay."

"It's wrong."

"It's not. Darling, times are changing. There's nothing wrong with being who you are. Forcing other people to be like you, that's where the issue lies. You've been told you're wrong, but you're not. No one is wrong just for existing."

"I'm broken." Alec's eyes have closed, his whole face scrunched up like he's trying not to cry. The hand that isn't trapped under Magnus' is picking at his blanket. 

"You're hurting," Magnus corrects. "And you have been hurt and you have been fed so many lies, but please believe me when I say this is not the only option. You have a choice, Alexander, you don't have to live the life your parents planned for you."

"I don't... I have to."

Magnus shifts from squatting to kneeling beside the bed, taking the strain off his thighs. He studies Alec's crumpled frame, searches for anything he can say to get through to him. "Haven't you ever imagined being free to love who you love?"

"Love?" Alec's voice cracks. His free hand swipes angrily at a tear that has escaped his eyes. He keeps them shut still. 

"When you allow yourself to act on your attraction you open up new opportunities. You don't think you could fall in love with a man?"

"There's no such thing." Alec is quiet, unsure. His words sound practiced and rehearsed, like they aren't his at all. "Men who think they love another man are in denial. They're acting out of confusion and past trauma. Instead of getting help to address their issues, they're committing a sin... they're letting down everyone who loves them."

"No," Magnus argues, feeling his own eyes tearing up. He rubs his thumb over Alec's knuckles, attempting to turn his touch from placating to comforting. "That's a lie. Some men love men, some women love women. There's nothing wrong with any of us for being true to who we are. Look at me, do I seem confused to you?"

Alec's eyes finally open. Tears streak his face, but he looks over Magnus. "No. You look like you know exactly who you are and you're okay with it."

"Yeah." It's not entirely true. Magnus has doubts and insecurities like anyone else, but he leaves them aside for the moment. His sexuality is one part of himself he has no doubts about. "I've been with men and women and I know there's no difference in my feelings based on gender alone. One is not lesser or more fake than the other."

"It has to be wrong. It has to be wrong, because if it isn't... I've been doing all this because it's wrong, Magnus. Because I can get better. If it's not wrong, if nothing's broken... I could never forgive myself- Or my parents. It has to be wrong."

Magnus swallows. "How long can you live this way Alexander? Hating yourself, punishing yourself for every 'wayward' thought you have? There's a reason suicide rates are so high amongst LGBT youth, and higher in those that have been to conversion therapy. Alec I can't watch you hurting yourself and anyone who truly loves you should feel the same." He thinks of Isabelle, arguing with her brother on the day he met them, "Your sister does, doesn't she?"

"Isabelle never agreed with our parents," Alec admits. He's still crying silently, though he's given up on attempting to dry his face. "Why do you care? I've been terrible to you since we met."

"Admittedly, you didn't give the best first impression, but now I understand. I can't say I would have acted any differently if I'd been through what you have."

"I hated you."

That does come as a surprise. And it hurts in a selfish way that makes Magnus draw his hand back, only for Alec to catch it before he can move away. Alec grips his hand like a lifeline. "You're confident in who you are. You hang a pride flag over your bed. I was jealous that you accepted yourself and made peace with it all when I've never been able to do that. And I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive you are and I knew that was wrong. I thought if I had any other roommate, I could... I don't know, I could stop being... I could stop feeling like this."

"That's why you tried to change rooms."

"I knew right away that living with you would be too much for me."

Magnus can't help a small laugh, devoid of any real amusement. "I suppose you were right. After all, I am attempting to sway you to the dark side now, aren't I? The dark side of self-acceptance."

"I want to be like you," Alec whispers, chin tucked to his chest. "I don't want to, to hide who I am or have to punish myself every time I feel something."

"You shouldn't have to," Magnus says quietly. "Let me help you? We can find a real therapist at the student health union. You can live your life how you want to live it."

Alec sniffs and nods, tugging the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face dry. Magnus does his best not to look at Alec's abs out of respect, but it's difficult when they're _right there_. "Yeah... Yeah, that sounds good."

"First thing in the morning," Magnus promises, reaching to brush some of Alec's short, messy waves from his face. "You're going to be okay." 

He drops his hand and starts to stand up, but Alec is still clutching his other hand. "Stay with me?"

"Are you sure? I don't want to overwhelm you."

"Please." Alec moves back in his bed so there's room enough for Magnus to squeeze in. He stays on top of the blanket, facing Alec, careful not to touch him other than where their hands are still clasped together.

"Relax, darling, get some sleep."

Alec takes a long, slow breath, and curls into his pillow. "Thank you."

It's not everything, it's not a cure for all of Alec's trauma or the antidote to his self-hate, but it's a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific Warnings: Alec self-harms at the advice of his conversion therapist through inducing nausea and vomiting as well as flicking a rubber band against his wrist. There is a brief mention of other methods commonly used in conversion therapy, though they're not expanded on in the story. Please read with discretion.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec have been sleeping in the same bed (or beds technically since they pushed their twin-sized mattresses together) for about two months. But that's all they've been doing. Now, after weeks of actual therapy, Alec is ready to officially ask Magnus on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the end notes, but softer than Chapter 1.

Alec is frustrated.

It's been three months since school started and two months since he stopped listening to the advice of his re-Integrative therapist and started going to actual therapy. Which means it's been two months of sharing a bed with Magnus Bane, a gorgeous man that Alec can now admit that he has a major crush on.

And he thinks Magnus likes him as well. Why else would he be sleeping next to Alec every night? And he stares when he doesn't think Alec is looking and winks when Alec notices. He also hasn't mentioned dating anyone recently even though they've been talking more and more. 

But he hasn't made a move. 

Alec thinks Magnus is just being respectful of his boundaries, but he also knows there's a chance that he's reading too much into things. Which would, of course, be his luck. He finally starts getting over his hang-ups, finally allows himself to like a guy and the guy isn't interested. 

Alec takes a deep breath and presses his hands into the mattress. He realizes too late that he's on the verge of an anxiety attack, something that has become increasingly common as he grapples with the major changes in his life, even if they are for the best.

Except now he's panicking about panicking and he can't get his breathing under control. He's struggling, trying to breathe slowly, but the thoughts keep coming too fast and suddenly he's thinking about how he shouldn't even be attracted to Magnus and why isn't he listening to Dr. Morgenstern anymore? And-

"Alec!"

Alec jolts. Magnus is in the doorway and he's clearly been trying to get Alec's attention for a while if his worried expression is anything to go by. Alec tries to respond but ends up simply gasping for breath.

Magnus approaches the bed and sits carefully next to Alec. He's so beautiful it makes it harder to breathe. Magnus offers a hand and Alec takes it, focusing on the cool medal of the rings against his overheated skin. He curls forward, into Magnus' space, wrapping him in an awkward hug. Alec feels a little like a boa constrictor, but it's easing the pressure in his chest and Magnus is holding him back so he thinks it might be okay.

When he can breathe and think rationally again, Alec moves back, but keeps a hold of Magnus' hand. Just like the night he'd decided to stop living in fear and shame, it's his hold on Magnus' hand that keeps him centered.

"Are you alright darling?"

The casual endearment makes Alec flinch, purely out of habit, even as it feels his chest with warmth. He nods. "Just another panic attack."

Magnus is frowning which is Alec's least favorite expression of his. "About what?"

"Nothing in particular really." But he feels himself flush and decides to bite the bullet. "I wanted to ask you out."

The frown gives way to delight, "Alexander!"

"Is that- I mean, would you... would you want to?"

"Of course." Magnus squeezes the hand he's still holding. "I've been wanting to ask, but I didn't want to pressure you or make you feel overwhelmed."

"I can't promise that I'll never get overwhelmed or that I'll stop having panic attacks about simple things, but I want to be with you."

Alec is relieved when Magnus gives him a soft, genuine smile in return. "I want that as well."

"Let me take you on a date? Tomorrow night after class?"

"That sounds lovely. How would you feel about dinner at Hunter's Moon?"

"They have pool, don't they? I bet I can beat you."

Alec feels a smirk stretch over his face, but Magnus rolls his eyes. "We'll see about that."

Alec is feeling good about his date with Magnus the next day, having just pulled on his nicest button-down shirt, when he gets a call from his father. Something that always threatens to tip his mood in the wrong direction. He stares at his phone, debates not answering it. But that would only lead to more questions. He reluctantly answers it. 

"Alec, I heard you're no longer seeing Dr. Morgenstern."

No greeting, no small talk. Alec tightens his grip on the phone. "I don't need to anymore."

"He said you cancelled suddenly."

"That's confidential." Alec had hoped he could go at least the rest of the semester without confronting this.

"Alec, what's going on? You were doing so well."

Alec thinks of being hunched over the toilet, spilling his guts. He thinks of the times he snapped the rubber band against his wrist until it left bruising marks or broke the skin entirely. The times when that wasn't enough and he'd dragged a razor over his skin, hoping to recondition himself to be _better_. He thinks about the way he's hated himself for so long and all the times he'd cried because he was broken and a disappointment. 

"Really?" His voice is sharper than he intends. "You think that was me doing well?"

"What are you talking about?"

Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and paces the length of the room. He needs to do something as frustration and anxiety threaten to overwhelm him. "I'm not seeing Dr. Morgenstern anymore."

"I want you to think very carefully about this Alec. Are you sure you're recovered enough? It's very easy to backslide into deviant behaviors."

_Deviant behaviors._

Alec used to believe that. He used to believe being gay was a choice, something that he could fix. He'd believed everything his parents told him. Now he thinks of Magnus and how he refuses to let people define him by his sexual orientation, how no one can use it against him. He thinks of his new therapist telling him that being gay is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. He knows better than to listen to his parents now.

"I'm gay."

There's a long silence.

Alec stares at the framed photo on his desk. It was taken at his graduation. He's between Isabelle and his mother, holding his diploma, his father on Isabelle's other side. They're all smiling, but none of them look happy. 

"This is why we didn't want you going to the city for school. It's filling your head with delusions. You'll come home right away and switch to a closer school so we can keep an eye on you."

"No, Dad, I'm staying here."

"This isn't optional Alexander!"

Alec looks at the two beds pushed together in the center of the room. "I've never been good enough for you and I'm done trying."

"If you think I'm going to keep paying your tuition-"

Alec hangs up. He doesn't want to hear his father's threats. He doesn't want to be blackmailed into going back to his old life. He storms to his desk and pulls out the pills he was prescribed months ago, but hasn't touched since that night with Magnus. He washes them down the sink and throws the bottle away. Then he sinks to the floor, leans his head against the bathroom door and calls his sister.

"Alec! How are you? I haven't heard from you in forever! I was getting worried."

"Sorry Izzy, I've been busy. I, uh, took your advice. Finally."

There's a pause. "My advice?"

"About not listening to Mom and Dad. I found a _real_ therapist for PTSD and depression and she's helped me a lot. I'm, uh, going on a date with Magnus tonight." He's still wound up over talking to his father, but the reminder makes a brief smile touch his lips.

"Magnus? Your roommate?"

"Yeah, him." Alec ducks his head to hide his blush even though Isabelle can't see him. He's nervous about telling her, even though she's always been encouraging of him, and for a moment the feeling of excitement over his date makes him feel like he needs to find a rubber band to flick against his wrist. He stays where he is, reminding himself that there's nothing wrong with being excited for his date.

"That's so great Alec! I'm so happy for you."

Alec smiles and releases the breath he was holding. "How are you? How is life at home?"

"You know, the usual. I can't wait to graduate and move out. Mom and Dad have been fighting a lot, more than usual. I think they might be getting a divorce."

"What? Why? What are they fighting about?"

"You mostly."

Guilt floods him. He digs his fingernails into his palm. "What?"

"Mom never wanted you to go to conversion therapy Alec. She knew the dangers. She's still upset Dad didn't listen to her and he's convinced that you should've stayed home longer and kept going."

"Mom didn't want me to go?"

"She cried every time you went. She tried to hide it, but she hated it. It's more than that though, she knows Dad never listens to her. I think it might be enough to actually drive them to divorce this time."

Alec swallows. His parents were never a typical couple, they never even seemed to enjoy each other's company. Divorce had always seemed the obvious option, but they had avoided it this long. "Dad threatened to stop paying my tuition."

"No!"

"He wants me to keep seeing Dr. Morgenstern."

Isabelle reverts to Spanish to string together a collection of curses. "I'm so sorry Alec. Don't listen to him- Mom won't let him do that."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I'll talk to her. She might really be coming around."

Alec lets out a sound that's half scoff, half laugh. "Wouldn't that be something?"

"Alexander?" There's a knock at the bathroom door and a familiar voice on the other side. "Are you in there?"

"Uh, yeah, one second!" Alec checks the time on his phone and swears. It's later than he'd thought. "Uh, Izzy, I have to go."

"Have fun!"

He stands and opens the door to find a dressed up Magnus waiting for him. He's styled his hair with purple clay to highlight the parts he'd bleached, making them match his purple eyeshadow and shirt. He's wearing a fancy black jacket with too many buttons and zippers and there's some kind of sparkly makeup highlighting his cheekbones and around his eyes. His lips are turned down. 

"Magnus, sorry, I lost track of time."

Magnus glances between him and the toilet. "Were you..."

"Wha- oh, no! No, I haven't done that in months." There have times he's wanted to- well, not wanted to, but felt like he had to. Even then he'd resisted the urge or distracted himself until it passed. "I threw out my pills actually, finally. I was talking to my dad and he was upset that I'm not trying to be straight anymore and then I was talking to Izzy and I panicked for a moment which is why I was sitting on the bathroom floor, but-" He cuts himself off, realizing he's rambling. "I wasn't throwing up, I swear. I'm doing a lot better."

"Good," Magnus' shoulders are still too tense. "I was worried that this might be too much."

"No!" Alec flushes when his voice comes out louder than he intends. "I've been looking forward to this all day. And you look... you look amazing."

Magnus fiddles with the cuff around his ear. "Thank you. You clean up nice as well."

"I'm really glad I met you," Alec breathes. "I never thought... I always knew I couldn't have what I wanted, until I met you and you changed everything."

"You changed everything for me too, I hope you know that."

Alec's brow furrows. "How?"

Magnus smiles that perfect little smile that seems to be reserved for Alec alone. "You inspire me. You've reminded me how lucky I've been to have the support that I have. You've reminded me that it's okay to not be strong all the time. Every time you fall you pick yourself up and keep going. You have strength that I can only imagine."

Somehow, Alec has gravitated closer to Magnus. He's close enough now that Magnus has to tilt his chin up to maintain eye contact and it's so _cute._ Magnus has always been attractive and graceful, but this is something new. Alec reaches out to take the other man's hand, threading their fingers together. It's something they've done almost every day over the last few months, but it never stops making Alec's heart race. "I know I'm supposed to wait till the end of the date, but... Can I kiss you now?"

In leu of answering, Magnus tilts forward and presses their lips together. It's the happiest Alec has been in as long as he can remember. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief references to past self-harm and the dangers of conversion therapy. Homophobic Robert Lightwood. 
> 
> This story took me a couple days to write. Conversion therapy is a practice that I find very upsetting and learning that it's still legal in so many places sucked. If you can, please take the time to sign this petition to ban conversion therapy in the US: http://chng.it/z8LX9MP7TG
> 
> I hope y'all are all staying safe and healthy.


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